He choose to ignore me. I dont know what i did wrong. I had never did him wrong. I never want to lie to him, so i always tell him the truth. And if i know that the truth hurts, i will not hurt him. But why does he have to hurt me like that? I think he is trying to shut me out of him, forget me and all the past we once had. Thinking about this, it hurts.
All i did was just to called him up on that sat when i got real high at Chinablack and scolded him. And i didnt say anything wrong. Did i? i was just mentioning all the things he once said and did. Attempting to hug karin at paradigm on his birthday. Bro-sis feelings. etc. Is it once again my own fault that i cant make him like me enough? and always feel empty here and there with the addition of bro sis relationshiP? When he hung up the phone on me this afternoon, i was in a loss of words and i felt so helpless. I really have no idea what i did wrong. But i aplogise.
People tell me i shouldnt. I still did. I still treasure him. It still matters. But he told me, "it doesnt matter anymore, it will not change anything. I have nothing to say." This words stabbed me right into my heart. I couldnt cry. i was so shocked. Is this the Richel i once know? Is this the richel who once tell me that he will be there for me always?
It rained cats and dogs today. I didnt wait till lesson complete. I charged out of the school right after my tutorials end and went to pray. I suddenly have that sudden urge to seek an answer from god. I am usually not a very spiritual person but i just felt that i should and i want. i need to. I dont have an umbrella with me so i walked in the rain like a mad girl. The rain drenched me almost completely. I was shivering and my teeth clattered. But i felt colder inside. Why do i always have to meet with so many obstacles?
I prayed. Prayed god to bless me of things in my life. I was very sincere. Very. And i went to get a 'qian'. I need some direction in life. I had always wanted to get one but i dont want to predict the future because i believe that i create my future. Maybe fate does play a part but the ultimate decision still comes from me. Today, i actually went to get it. It was my first time doing it all alone. I went with a hopeful heart to find an answer to my prayers. It gave me hope. But i am afraid to hope now. I dont have hope. Will hoping makes me happier? i dont know..
i am lost. But after i heard girl's situation, i think i jus a teeny whinny misfortunate. She is worse. Her life, her family, her studies..almost everything screwed up. Isnt she worse than me? mine is just peanut. I have a loving parents but just that we dont really understand each other well. I am single now, that represents a fresh brand new start and its a good thing as well. My studies are picking up. At least i hope they are.
i prayed. For a better life. God bless.

(version 2.0: edited some stuffs)

You've got the poison, I've got the remedy.
@1/28/2004 01:51:00 am