Time: 7.15am
Mood: Great, abit lost, abit jealous, abit tired..

(This is gonna be a real long entry. Maybe it doesnt make sense but i am trying my best to. If you are too lazy to read, then dont. Its ok. *simle*)

Oh my god. i contradict myself right? I said i feel great but at the same time, i feel so much of everything else. I am being frank yea? Not lying to myself about feeling really GREAT about everything. Yea. That's good about being honest.

Just woke up from my beauty sleep two hours ago.. which was at 5am. Surprise surprise!? Yea, i bet you people must be thinking that i must be tired because i haven catch a single bit of sleep AGAIN! Nah..i slept at 10pm last night! Hurray! =D Actually, i think my personal lifestyle schedule is getting on EVERYONE'S nerves. Yes, i know it. Ok, maybe it doesnt affect everyone but somehow or another, its not the same me anymore. First, i was the goody old elaine(qq and yq should know what i mean) who concentrates on nothing but school work. I was a school councillor, not too hardworking but i know what are my goals and i go for them. I had good attitude. Then, i evolved to the elaine who loves fun. Loved the frills of clubbing, the blast of loud techno music. I loved clubbing. And slowly i got sick of it. I longed for a more mature crowd and better music. That was where Chinablack and Double O came in. And then it was bikes and cars. The thrill of illegal street racing. The thrill of running away from TP. And now..it is the present me. I wonder if it will stay long enough or will it become part of my passion, part of my addiction? Do i really want it to stay that long? or if it does, what will happen?

For many of you, i dont think you all will actually truly understand what i mean. Its not just the simple clubbing or the usual rounding girl me. Its..something really different this time.
i find myself actually loving that Angel music once again. And i dont even feel like moving off the mdm wong or dbl o.

Sometimes i think its really ironic. Ru and i seems to like keep on falling for the same people. Ok, not exactly falling but being interested. We confessed to each other yesterday when we were at Shawn's house. First its jimmy, then its kor, then its joseph.. argh~! I am not falling in coz i want to keep my principles. Keep that target i had set, influenced by joyce. I agreed with Ru that i feel kind of depressed. Perhaps THAT is really making me depressed. But i know. I am NOT sinking into depression. i am fine! But i cant help it. Once again, i feel that i am not attractive. Yes i am not. Its not how i feel but i am really not. Somehow or another, i dont have the effort to be attractive or to really improve myself somehow or another to be attractive. i am so sick of getting myself into all the unncessary troubles. And unfortunately, the guys we are both interested are all interested in her. I am not jealous. I admit frankly because i didnt fall for them. But i just feel...depressed. I envy her. I know that even though Ru is interested in joseph, both ah liang and her (at first) seems to hope that we will be an item. It will be fun, great..etc. But i am just..not attractive. I know joseph is not interested in me. Perhaps that night he was abit but i think he is more interested in Ru. And he haven give it up. I wonder what's so good about Joseph. hM. He's just like some guy who completely doesnt fit my criteria. No car. Looks wise: ok looking. I am not sure if he has money but he doesnt have a good career. Meaning, he doesnt fit my criteria of my perfect boyfriend at all. But, i still have that teeny bit of interest for him. You know, its stronger than anyone else(i mean those that are going after me and those that i am interested in). Being frank once again, Ru, actually i wish to see them everyday not because i want thatbut because i want to see him. Argh..its stupid. Perhaps its better not to. Cmon. Cmon. Its just a small problem lor. There are a few guys who are after me now and they somehow or another fit some of the criteria that i set. But just that.. sigh i am jian. I just dont like them.

I love that feeling. But i think like many other things, i will be sick of it soon. Sigh. But what about the effects? But do you know what? i am thinking about it everyday. Even in my dreams in my sleep. Whenever i reach home and i sleep, i slept all the way, soundly.

I am still very confused. I thought that after this entry i am going to feel better, think better. But i am not! Oh gosh. Perhaps i will think better when i wake up. *confused and tired me* If one day i die, isnt it going to be better?

p.s: Wahahahas. yes, it really works. I slim down already! yea its abit but the effects are fast. i hope it will go on.

Time: 8.06am(wow i took almost an hour for this entry and i haven come up with any conclusion)


You've got the poison, I've got the remedy.
@5/21/2004 07:11:00 am