Before i start this entry, i hope to let everyone who's reading my blog to know that this can be consider as one of my more private blogs. Perhaps u guys may know my blog address from my oD or from me giving you the address or from sometimes happen to find out my chance. Please please.. if you guys dont mind, keep it private for me as well k? i really dont wish my blog to circulate around to everyone. This is just between me and you sort of thing. But if you do drop by, do go to the tag board to say a hi so that i will know u are here. Thanks.=)

FAT. I am FAT. I hate this word FAT and fucking stop letting me hear it! i know i am FAT but that doesnt deprive me from having any pride or any more confidence. I have always been fat all my life. Ok.. fat as in slightly above average than normal girls of my age. Otherwise known as "baba" or pleasantly plump. Whatever. These are just nicer terms for FAT . It still amounts to FAT in the end.

Uh. This Fat problem is bothering me more and more as i grow up, and as i grow fatter. I noticed that i grew alot fatter ever since half a year ago. Some people love retail therapy aka shopping. It helps to raise their moods and make them happier. For me, i love to eat when i dont feel myself. Guess you guys wont be able to understand what i mean but look, that's just me. Sigh. Its bad and it cause addiction. True, point taken. But its just me. Take it or leave it.

Ok i know i sound like a stuborn asse who refuses to listen to people but dont u hate it and feel discouraged when the whole world tells you that u are fat in a not-very-nice manner? Who doesnt wish to have a monstrous figures, huge boobs, tiny little waist, and a nice cute butt?

Anyway, i read Richel's blog and read about his love life. He is now seeing a 17 year old girl. Yea..knew that he has a girlfriend even before i read his blog. After reading about it, it makes me curious to find out who and what kind of girl she really is. Well, ya maybe i kapo but hm..its like more of like out of concern and curiousity. hee. But something he said kinda hurt me.---->> "do i need another elaine to come into my life even before her shadow has not realli left?"----Ric. That came from him. Sigh.. my heart ache when i read about it. Was i really that much of a bad girlfriend? His present girlfriend thinks that "it is the boyfriend's responsibility to pay for stuff when we go out." Was i ever like that when i was with him? i didnt expect him to pay for everything even though i think it will be a bonus if he can. I even offered to pay for some of the things when he's tight on money. Sigh.. it makes me wonder if those stuffs i used to do in the past for him is worth it ornot.

I realised that he is the one that i love. Perhaps i fell in love with jo before too but it wasnt so much like love. We didnt understand each other well at all. But with Richel, its a different thing. Though it was just a short 4 months, we shared together alot of things. I stopped crying, thinking, brooding about him a few months ago. Even before bryan came in.

But that day i shed tears because of him again.

I was at ktv with ru, zane and shawn. Used to go ktv alot of ric. But it more or less reduces after we broke up. "bai ser hun li" used to be my favourite and best song. I sang it everytime i go ktv with ric. I picked up this song after i started going ktv with him. I even went to a competition with this song! We always sing our favourite duets together at every ktv session. But after reducing my ktv times, i dont sing as well anymore. I even stop singing that song and all the duets that we loved. Somehow i just find it below standard and i dont find a meaning in singing it. Sang ktv for almost 2 hours that day before i sudden have the urge to pick that song. Surprisingly, i sang it really well. It was like once again back to the standard that i was had, we once shared. We even used to go to competitions together. Sigh... I couldnt control myself and tears just started to fall without even me knowing. I was shocked. Everyone was shocked too. Luckily i had my sistas there for me. I suddenly miss him alot. Sadly, we arent even friends now. He has gone on with his life, i have too. But somehow or another, he took away one part of my life the way he went away from me. All he left to cover up that part of my life are the beautiful memories we once shared.

This moment, typing down my thoughts, staring at the luminious bright screen, tears wet my face once again..

Current Song: Two beds and a Coffee machine-Savage Garden

You've got the poison, I've got the remedy.
@6/23/2004 10:35:00 am