i had been drinking these few days. Drank alot on Friday and Saturday but never get drunk at all. what the hell?
21st Aug 04 -Sat
Its my off day!! Hurray!! As usual, went out party with the girls. It was Chen's birthday celebration at Chinablack. He booked down half the VIP area and invited us there. Lotsa other people were there as well but we didnt mingle around much. I just drank ALOT, a huge lot! oO. I love my dressing today! I wore the denim dress and white heels.. something that i haven wear since last year coz i put on too much weight but looked great today coz i think the slimming stuffs take effect! hEhe.

Started out dancing at the VIP area and went to dance floor a while. Went back to VIP area to down more drinks. By then i was already in a not-very-good mood already. The drinks were so thick that its so unusual for me to drink it without puking. I poured like half a rock glass of chivas, 1/4 of green tea and abit of ice. And down it like 4-5 glasses in a row. Ru decided to go back to the dance floor and we follow suit. Wanted to squeeze into the crowd and have s0me "normal" fun. By then i was pretty high. We squeezed into the crowd and settled for a small space around a group of guys. (*wink) We were just starting to warm up when i saw him. I thought i didnt, but i did. I just felt so...(i dont know how to describe). Weak? nusea? Confused? Angry? I hugged Ru and told them. They pulled me round so that i wont see him. They make me dance and forget about everything but i...i just cant. I couldnt give myself the justice i should get coz of the all the various reason. Now, there's a chance for me to. I think i should do myself some justice. Even if its only going to cause him so little pain and humuliation. Even when i was drunk, i thought so much before acting on it. The consequences, the after effects..everything. I think i wont do it if i am not high. By then my hands were cold and butterflies flooded my stomach. I plucked up all my courage, asked Ru to make space for me, i squeezed into his group, pushed his shoulder, got his attention and "SLAP!", hit him on his left cheek. He looked at me, shocked, and i squeezed out of the crowd, back into the VIP area. I hugged my sistas and almost cried. Was it relief? Was it saddness? was it anger? was it..i dont know. Till now i feel so wierd just thinking about it. I actually felt abit sorry that i inflict pain and revenge. But i think, jerks deserve it. I have to convince myself that anyway. I cant be soft hearted at the wrong situations. I dont want to care if it was a mistake ornot. If it is, just blame it on my high-ness. If it isnt, then i should thank my sistas for giving me the courage i needed and standing by side. If he slap me back, they will slap him back.

I thought i will never see him again. But well, perhaps we have so much "fate" that we met again, in my favourite clubbing spot. And god make it this way that i have the chance to get some justice. I dont think it created alot of commotion in the crowd but it did, within my own self. We even did something pretty bad. We went up to the DJ console and asked clifford the manager for some help. Asked kenneth the DJ n clifford to annouce, "good one yea?" I dont know what got over me to give me that much courage to hit someone. I think i am a coward in a sense that i dont dare to inflict physical pain on pe0ple. It had been like 9 years since i last slap someone. And the last time when i did, it was just a child thing which was not serious at all. *sigh* i had nightmares this morning. I couldnt sleep well. Why? Is this really the so-called physical and mental torture ?
Oh well, went over to my work place for billy's birthday celebration. And then to angel and then to Velvet and then back to Chinablack. All the club hops again!

22Aug 04-Sun.
He never fail to disappoint me la. I wonder what i am doing keep in contact with him all over again. Its so clearly written. He's not sincere. i am just throwing myself into some fire pit. But i do it. what the hell?

Sometimes i wonder how should i live in life. I do nobody wrong. I treat everyone equally and nicely. I dont deliberately do things to please people because i find that really annoying if it becomes a long term sort of thing. I just like to be myself. As long as i dont harm people, i think i am alright. But i just cant believe that people have been back stabbing me again and again. What's really wrong? am i suppose to go around smiling at everyone? Just because i need to gain their favour? Cmon, i am no clown. I dont need to please you. I just do whatever i think is right. I have my own personal set of passions. I like cars, clubbing, movies, having fun, and someone to love me. That's all. What makes you think that you can like bikes and i cannot like cars? what are the differences? Just because you cant afford it, dont come and bull shit me and tell me i am materialistic for liking cars. And oh yea, what proofs do you have if you can go around telling people that i am the sort of person who will just leave a friend there and let her get drunk and rape. If you have, prove it to me, to everyone else. Fuck ur mama. Fuck ur nabei cheebye mouth. Fuck them and may them get rotten. I curse ur three generations! Fuck U! If you think i am that bad, then see it for yourself. But if one day i do turn evil, dont blame me for it.

*its a TORTURe to be breathing right now*

You've got the poison, I've got the remedy.
@8/23/2004 04:01:00 am