Renee messaged me in msn just now. She was shocked to see me. She went,
"[Renee.NDP]»±Fireworks!±« says:
What got into ya?
[Renee.NDP]»±Fireworks!±« says:
How come nowadays always at home?"

I only smiled and pointed to her my msn nick>>> "yx.Life sux.i m lousy.though changing,but still ever lousy."

Its like just so...un-me. Un-me to stay at home 24/7. Un-me to appear online so often now. Un-me to attend school daily. Un-me to listen attentively in classes. Un-me to NOT club 24/7. Un-me to smoke only two sticks for a day. Un-me to save up. Un-me to do these little things that i am doing now.

You may go like,"What?! You actually call this BIG deal? Who doesnt do all these things??" Everyone...except me, in the past. I am not saying that i am completely a changed person..i am still changing..for the better. I must say that all these changes are hard. They are painful and most of the time, because of the "addictive factors" inside, its really hard to kick those habits. There are so many times when i teared and wanted to give up. It will make me think of the past. Sigh. It turns one to turn bad in 3 days but 3 yrs to turn over. I had been saying that i am going to change since last year..but no results..till now. Actually, the results are not exactly out yet.. i am waiting for my term test results. I am pretty sure those can prove to people ba.

I used to think that there's nothing wrong with my lifestyle and with me. I think its just a phrase of life. Like, who doesnt like to play, club, smoke, enjoyself? Fluant your youth? But yea...maybe i was just too much. Getting way out of hand. This was part of the reason why ric and i broke up. But the breakup did not have the most impact on me to change. The impact is my results. I flunked my year 1. I see it with my true eyes, what all the "fun" led me to. Nothing, except having to waste one more year of my life in the damn poly, having to earn lesser money coz i work one year later than people of my same age, having to feel so lonely in school many times, having to tolerate the lousy timetable that i am having now.. having to suffer the heartbreak i had to go through.

Its not like i am saying all those clubbing, fun..cars...etc etc is bad. But anything too much is bad. Those are also the things that shaped me for who i am today-what i think and the experiences i have. Its good and bad to have learn and go through many things in life. I often overheard people's conversations on buses, on mrts, at coffee houses.. and almost laugh out loud at their conversations. I cant help to turn my head round to have a look at their faces. They look like 21 but speak like 15. Their conversations are so shallow and they dont have knowledge on many things. I am not just talking about clubbing stuffs..gerneral knowledge to be exact. I am not saying that i am great but it makes me realise how much they are lacking in life.

Its takes alot to change, and changes take time.

I read Ric and his gf's blog and find the scene so familiar. They are quarreling on this topic-Changes. I am like the partial cause of it. Ric keep on fearing to see "me" in his gf. I feel so sorry about it. Everything just seems to familiar. How ric felt about the my "happening" lifestyle, the money wastage, the time wastage..everything! His gf is abit like me, how a young, vibrant, 17 year old girl thinks. Someone who have seen a part of the world, and wants to see more, have more fun but lose the directions and things she should do. I think its just a different perspect and values. Like, there's no reason why she must change for him. Just like him not going to change for her. But on the other hand, ric isnt wrong to ask her to change. Its for her own good.

I feel rather affected after reading it. It felt like yesterday that we quarreled about those stuffs and broke up. Its just something so minor, yet it can cause a relationship to break up just like this. "snap" and its broken. I hope that he'll give her some time to change and go through this little obstacle in their relationship. Dont break up because of the same thing. Give her sometime. Let her see why she must change.

Sometimes like now, i feel so lousy about my change. I feel that i have no life. I dont go clubbing as much as last time. My circles of new friends haven been increasing for some time already. Everyday i will be good, good good good! And the worse thing is, My teachers are still complaining about me. Bloody hell! that han lili! argh!! Pissed me off. So i decide that the only thing that can stop all the shit that i have...is my results!!!! hehe.

Ric.. thanks for talking all the sense into me and pull me back from the wrong direction. Though all these are done like abit too late, but i am sure its not too late for my own future. Thanks. =)

Jia You!!!


You've got the poison, I've got the remedy.
@8/03/2004 10:21:00 pm