i cut off my long nails one by one. It had been with me for a long time. But i never ever want to cut it off until the nails, one by one, started to chip off. He has always been telling me to cut them off. But i always refused. Today i finally did. The way i cut off my relationship with him.

Look at my blog skin, "it has just started to be beautiful". It felt like magic when we first met. He was the Mr nice guy, the Calvin that i adore and love. Our relationship had always been beautiful. He is always on my mind and i am always missing him. 1st month past.. 2nd month went back.. i refused to believe about the 3 month curse. But i broke up with him today, 2 days before our 3rd month. I bet he doesnt remember that its our 3rd month. I wanted to recall so much of what we did but my mind refused. It is just in a total blank now. Believe it ornot, i am so numb that i even have to remind myself to be angry. Not to be overwhelm by my love for him.

I always trusted him. I believe in him. After we got together, i started reducing all the late nights out with all the guy friends that i used to have. I dont flirt at all. The only time when i can say i was unfaithful to him was when i gave out my number at my work place to my customers. But that was because i needed their business. I wanted to earn more money and save them up. For holidays, for outings..etc. I never expect him to cheat on me. Do you know how much i wish all these isnt true? how i wish to wake up tomorrow morning, and call him darling and say i love you. I had a nightmare abt u. That's all. He told me he hate to see his lover cry. But he did right after he said that. WHY?! Because there's no love for me anymore.

Why must it always happen to me? Do i really look like a door mat? Why is it always the one who love gets hurt? I swear that i have never done such things before in my whole life but why does it always have to happen to me? The first time i found it out, i was so disappointed in him but i forgive and forget. I give US another chance. But a week later, it happened again. This time with my best friend. He broke his promise and he did intolerable things. No body can ever imagine the kind of ache my heart feels right now. It constantly pierce right through it, stabbing and stabbing it.

I dont hope for much. I only hope that he can feel remorseful and guilty about it and promise to change. and really change. But he dont. He just messaged me to tell me he will send my stuffs down on sunday. Does he know that Sunday is our 3rd month anniversary?

WHERE IS THE CALVIN I ONCE KNEW? WHERE IS THE ONE WHO'S HONEST, TRUTHFUL, LOVING AND ALWAYS SHOWER ME WITH LOVE? Where is he? Has he been captured by some ghost? Return him back to me i am pleading you. Oh pls. I dont dare to read back or see anything that's from him. I really dont want to be reminded of the nice him in the past.

I was still planning for his birthday this upcoming weeks. I went around searching for ideas and that hang out hotel. I went to body shop and bought something for him just to surprise him. Now i realise that i am so silly to be doing these things. He will never appericiate. He will only tell me i am wasting my money. Thats because he dont love me anymore. If he does, he will be touched by my act.

We got together 3 months ago, at zouk. We had a whole lot of fun clubbing drinking and went to geylang to eat tian ji porridge. After that we headed for a midnight movie and chatted till morning.

oh gosh stop thinking about it. darling i love you but i am sorry i have to let you go because you are a changed person. I cannot accept your actions and ur irresponsibility-ness. I cannot accept the way you treat me anymore. Thank you for that 3 months together. The zouk, hanging out at your old house regalia, hanging out at ur present house montana, watching movies, eating dinner, spending xmas together. It was a beautiful trip that i enjoyed. I wish you well for ur future. Good bye.
You've got the poison, I've got the remedy.
@1/08/2005 05:46:00 am