i am not going to care who's going to see this entry. I just need to ream out about everything that's on my mind and take it off my chest, finally for once.

How will you feel if your best friend flirts/attract your guy's or some guy whom you are interested in attention? There are some things in life that should draw a very clear line as to what you should do and what you should not. Rules to follow, principles to withhold. That clearly stands on the top priority of my principles list. Never be interested, flirt, take over your friend's guy. That is why i am never very close with any of my friend's guy. Not that i cant attract them but i dont want to. Why should i do that when its going to cause harm in my friendship? there are so many dozen of guys out there for me. Why choose someone's husband? "Peng You Qi bu ke qi"

This is the third time this thing is happening. The first time, i blamed it on fate. Second time, i blamed it on my looks. Third time, i decided that i shouldnt just blame it on myself. I should look around and find out what's really wrong. I am perfectly fine if she tells me that she likes him too. In that case, we can have fair competition. But the whole problem is that she told me she doesnt like him! And since you doesnt like him, why do you have to go on dates with him when you know your best friend is interested in him?(that is, even as FRIENDS) It's really a very friendly gesture to accept dates from ur friend's guy. And dont forget, you are not interested in him! If you are really not interested, why do u have to risk having ur friendship broke, having ur friend getting hurt and go out with him? u are not interested right?

And then she went out with him secretly. I wish i can be more stupid and never sense or find out anything is wrong. I am not trying to restrict whatever she's doing. When i asked her today, she said she doesnt like him but she doesnt hate him too. Meaning, he's "not bad". I took a long time to digest it and finally strike me like a slap on my face. "not bad"? Meaning u are even considering ur friend's guy? Can anyone do this without feeling guilty? Meaning you went out with him knowing that ur friend likes him but u still go out because he's in ur not bad list aka waiting list?

I will never risk losing a friend like that. Imagine i do that to YOU? i know its not all that serious but i just feel that its not funny flirting infront of ur friend with the guy she likes. No correction. She liked.

I am not going to snatch with you for someone that's not "all that good"(quoted from her). He's not a priced gem. I dont need him to destroy my friendship. I only treat him as a passing stone. Anyway there are more and better guys around for me. I dont want my guy to shift his attention from one to another so fast. I dont need another few more histories to happen in my life.

Hey you. I dont know if u really dont know what you are doing or just unsure of what you are doing but pls consider other ppl's feeling when you do something. Dont claim that you dont want this to happen but it still happens in the end. i am putting a stop, giving him away because i can see it happening. Whatever "you dont wish to see and feel it will happen" will happen. I dont want another hurt me trying to act as if i am not hurt and give blessings to a happy couple. Chang tong bu ru duan tong. I think i am being really rational this time. Admire myself for that.

Maybe this is the first step to doing something that's what i need and not what i want. Maybe this is the first time i do something for my own interest. Maybe this is the first time i put my ego higher than anything. I am not interested in him anymore. It was just a stupid crush that i purposely fall for because i wana be unfaithful for the first time. It didnt succeed. maybe i am not meant to be unfaithful in a relationship. Maybe i am just meant to be the person getting hurt all the time.

i know its not that i am unattractive. Just that i dont bother to flirt. I really didnt flirt. If i did maybe things will be different? whatever. dont bother.

i am not trying to strike a cold war with u over this issue. I just want to convey the msg to you this way because this is really what i feel. I dont wish to put on a facade and smile at you and tell you,"no i am not angry. i dont mind u flirting with him." I do mind. And i feel that the best way(hopefully) to prevent this from happening again is to tell you in a truthful way so that it is fair to you that u can better understand how i feel. I am not trying to be crude or urging u to remove him from ur "waiting list". Its really not. I do it because i dont want to backstab u behind ur back. I hope u understand what i mean. If i am someone who doesnt care abt our friendship be it you n me or you me and him, i wont bother to type all these bullshit. I will just simply MIA and disappear from u guys. If you feel injustice abt whatever i said, pls tell me nicely if u see me face to face or write another similar one(that doesnt have a facade)in ur blog. I really dont want to quarrel over this lame thing. and i believe that if this thing dont have a remedy to it, one will lose her all her friends around her because of this.
You've got the poison, I've got the remedy.
@2/05/2005 05:56:00 am