i ignited my last stick of cigarette. Sitting right infront of the flickering luminious screen, i stare into blankness lost. Alot of things ran through my mind but i have no answer. Weak in my soul, i feel crippled and no confidence.

"what did i do? Why do i have to behave this way? i hate myself."

Everytime i try to fly i fall without my wings i feel so small...

i knew that it was my own fault. i blew my chance away. For the past few days, i had been trying to search for an answer within me and tonight i found it. It could never be possible. i feel the need for me to stray away from him and from everything that concerns him. i realised that i have no ability to keep his attention and interest. i am a loser in this way. i lost the match to myself.

i dont know what is wrong but i just felt wrong. Am i disappointed that i mean nothing to him? or is it because i did meant something to him but now i dont mean anything to him anymore. I had been trying to deny my feelings. And the worse thing is, i may even be a fool who's so confused but actually there's nothing at all.

i feel that i should just give up this whole fucking idea. If i want to go after it, den do it right. Do it with confidence and attractiveness. If you dont want, just give it up before something embarassing happens. i just feel that i am so lousy once again. That i know i will lose if anyone competes with me. It is just not possible to be me. It will be someone else if that someone wants to compete. And now if i am going after it, i will be indulging myself in some S&M treatment whereby i know chances are i will lose in the competition and get myself hurt. i am a sick. i am a masochist!

My heart still race when i see him. But its much weaker now because i already lose half the battle.

sigh. what the hell? get out of it pls.


You've got the poison, I've got the remedy.
@2/02/2005 04:39:00 am