Its 5.33am and i am widely awake now! Its gonna be 8-5pm tomorrow. OMG! Stayed up to get my tutorials done. I did my Accounts tutorial! Woo hoo~* Not one but two! I did one last week but it was shitty work coz i got it all wrong. Han lih lih asked me to redo but i didnt bother until tonight. At least i did right? hehez.. Felt really accomplished after i completed the tutorials. Half way through it, i hoped that it will not end. i turned into a freak overnight. haha. I am damn tired but i dont know why i just dont feel like stopping! And i realised that by doing tutorials, it pushed me to want to go to school. I have to go anyway, if not my attendence is failing on me. Sigh..

Besides my accounts tutorials, i was reading through the cookbook just now. I am going to start cooking new things!!! Hey dont run leh.. come back and try my food!!! wahahhaa *evil grin*. Hey cmon, my cooking aint that bad.. just that human make mistakes all the time. You cant condemn it just because i failed a few times right? I am intending to start on the fresh prawn rolls. Personally, i love that! I find it delicious and very healthy! There's plentiful of vege and prawns inside. *yummy*

i realised that i am a very lousy girlfriend. I reflected and realised that i had never treated him well before! and i just cant think of how can i be a good gf?! i always feel that i am already a great gf and cares alot about him but in fact i am not. I am selfish and i refused to care more because i am afraid to get hurt. But no matter whether i care or not, i am going to get hurt(if things fail) so why cant i just be a better gf? hm.. How ah?! How to be a good gf? what are the thing guys look for in their gf? and long term? The perfect girl....?!first its the looks, the figure, the character. Den its whether u guys can communicate well. and what else?!

If u want me to leave my perfect guy, i can list tons of qualities! But it doesnt matter whether i get all of it. Afterall, its just my perfect guy. No one's perfect, so not possible to meet perfect guy!
Qualities of my perfect guy
1) He must be cute(at least to me hehe)
2) Plentiful of things to chat and share with me
3) Knowledgable
4) Responsible
5) Full of zest for things
6) Financially secure
7) Faithful
8) Romantic( i am a huge romantic!)
9) Preferably has a car or go public. No bikes!!!
10)Cares for my feelings
11)Has a life but want to includes me into his life
12)No loser attitude pls!
13)No stingy ass! I cant stand cheapskates!
14)Family orientated(i find such guys more attractive)
15)Relatively honest. If he wants to lie, just dont let me find out! (but most of the time i find out anyway. humph)
16)Has a history of healthy sex life.(OMG no aids! lol..)
17)Last but not least, madly in love with me.

As i list all these down, i thought i was listing him. You wont believe it but he used to be like that. Every single thing i listed. Or is it because i was blinded by love? haha. Nah.. I think he was really like that. But maybe when the sweet romance wears off, you start to get the real him. Or a changed him. Is it too late to be a better girlfriend? I threw temper on him, i quarreled with him, i demand things, i get angry over small things..blabla but most of the times, i compromised too. He's constantly on my mind and i think alot about him. I took effort to call him, msg him when he's away.. thought of silly romantic things to do with him..blabla. So am i really that of a lousy girlfriend? Since i am not the best, i better not expect someone to be perfect as well. Is it possible to achieve back that feeling we once had? Many said no. Once his heart is gone, u will never get it back?

Kind of exceptionally miss him today but i bury that feeling deep down because i dont want to admit that i do. I have been trying to act like him, doing what he has been doing to me these few weeks. Getting tired of always trying to get him... Since he dont bother, i should not as well. My sms reduced to almost zero. I dont come home just to meet him online anymore. We hardly arrange to chat. It is usually the "accidental" thing. I wonder what's his feelings for me now? I wonder if everything will still go back to normal when he's back? Will that almost faded passion fades away more with time? Or will it reignite when he comes back? Nobody knows what's going to happen or how each of us feel anymore. He's just too far away. I dont dare to ask him.. i think i should just let it be natural. If his heart is gone, there's no use trying so hard. Meanwhile, i can only hope that i can control my emotions and feelings. Keep them low and managable and prepare for whatever the outcome is when he's back. But why must i let him make the decision? Why cant I make my own decision? Of course i dont want to let it go. So what if i make this decision? Will i have the ability to do something to make sure that its not gone?

I have so many questions but no one to answer them.

good nite. 6.06am
You've got the poison, I've got the remedy.
@2/28/2005 05:27:00 am