The future is a big question mark.

Cried on bus today. Hm. no not cried but teared. It just kept on coming and dripping down, effortless. I guess i was overwhelmed by unhappy emotions. First was the quarrel, next was the disappointment and then it was the leaving part. He kinda told me he's leaving. No, not when i think i love him more. Is it really love? or once again its some stupid mind asuming thing? I know he found out about my blog. I somehow felt a very strange feeling. Like a kind of release. I didnt get angry with him or pissed. I just felt.. released. Ya. like he finally found out a part of my life that i had always kept from him. I dont remember what i wrote here and i dont bother to read back whatever i wrote. Its just me. Be it good or bad. Somehow, i feel closer to him. I felt him closer to me too.

I really hope he wont go. But tian xia wu bu san zhi yan xi(every happy thing will end some day). I dont know what future is going to be like. I know, i foresee that it will happen some day but i just didnt realise, or never hope that it will be soon. I really dont want all these to stop. Like what he said, he's my record breaker. *smile* when i heard that, i teared again. We're reaching our 7th month. I wish it will never end. I know that he dont exactly see a future in us. But part of me wishes in my fairy tale that it will happen. What's gonna happen when he leaves? We'll just get on with our own life and meet someone new? its too painful to think. The reality part of me believes that we wont. We just have too many differences. I am just like a passerby in his life. And he's a passerby in mine too. Each of us will leave footprints in each other's heart. Come and go. When it goes, it will just be a memory. Reality is just so harsh.

I want to run away. Run away from the future. Run away from reality. I dont want to find out what's going to happen in the future. I am scared. I am weak. No i am not! I can live very well on my own. can i?

When i day dream about JAL, i think of him in my life. I want him to be a part of the picture. But i am not too sure now. I dont even know if i will get into JAL in the first place. I dont know the future.

Dont know what to say also.
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I threw my handphone hard today. He asked me why i did. "A very stupid thing to do." I realised its quite stupid too. But somehow when you hurt ur most prized pocession, you feel angry, painful, mixed feelings. I treasure it so much why do i have to destroy it? Have i ever thought of the consequences when i do it?

hm.. girl lets not think so much. u are just so tired. go and sleep.
You've got the poison, I've got the remedy.
@4/23/2005 05:51:00 am