I tried to shrug away that feeling of emptiness every now and then, when it fills me up. I would shove it behind, under, above, to the left, to the right, everywhere, anywhere. I prefer to just pretend that the emptiness didnt exist. But now, i cant help feeling it again--i am just a speck in this universe.

I remember the many times when i felt this way when i had my training in japan. I would hide in my balcony and puff my way away. I would suppress my cries under my pillow. I would call my dad. I felt trapped. Alone in a foreign country, trying to struggle with the intensive trainings while at the same time trying to recover from the open wound. It felt raw. An apt example, try having your wound sewn up and then pull them apart. yes it felt that sore.

i recall that towards the end of our training, one fine evening, miki and i were fagging in the dormitary lobby and i told her my fear. "What am i going to do when i go back to Singapore? Is my life just going to be about flying and staying at home? Is that all my life can be? Meaningless and empty." I didnt want to come back to Singapore. But all the time in japan, i yearn to come back so much. I couldnt wait to come back and be in my friends' company again. I couldnt wait to do so many things in sg, to go clubbing, shopping, meeting people... However when the time came to go home, i was fearful of that emptiness.

When i was back, i was eager to meet everyone, to tell them how much i missed them..but i was met by a deafening silence. I looked around. Everyone were around yet they were so out of reach. I didnt want to be a fool jumping up and down trying to grasp attention. So i pretended that i didnt notice it. I thought u know, everyone's just busy. However, the gap stretch. The wider it stretched, the more i noticed that i wasnt the only one pretending not to see. Have everyone choose not to see it?

At the same time, i thought its time for me to meet more people. So i let myself out to meet people. But i kept on judging them with a imaginary checklist in my head. 1)Open door for me-Tick, +10 points, 2) speak like ah beng-Cross -5 points... the list goes on. When i evaluated my actions, I felt that the checklist wasnt meant to access them. It was meant to fail them. I didnt even have the intention to pass anyone, who's gonna be able to do that? A part of me still wish that sense of familiarity would come back. My brain knows that it wont, but my sturborn heart refuse to accept.

As cliche as i can be, time is the only thing that can heal my soul.

Maybe its the time of the month, maybe its not, but i have to admit defeat emotionally today.
You've got the poison, I've got the remedy.
@10/18/2005 01:46:00 am