I have just decided to hit the `delete` key on my keyboard and erased the whole last entry i just written, two hours ago. I read it over and over again and i figured out that its just another nonsensical piece of crap thats a waste to computer cookies and broadband airtime(not that i can think of any connection abt cookies and my blog, except double chocolate chip cookies, oh well.)

I did all i could, pranced up and down in my room a zillon times, stared meaningless at the TV, sticked those awfully smelly but i-cant-live-without-it tabacco sticks into my mouth another two zillon times, glut my mouth with all the food that i could find..(even though i just mentioned to Ivy n Miki last night that they're going to see a brand new SLIM elaine in one week's time, Countdown:6 more days uh oh)

The last thing on earth that i want to discover myself doing is actually having the thought of him on my mind. But it just recurred to me continuously. I wish my mind can be strong enough to put a kibosh on it.

Let me help myself by talking about last night.
I had a scrumptious reunion dinner with my family plus uncle boontee, my grandma and my bro's date(or gf?!) at Yong Chun Lou located somewhere near chinatown. We had the usual delicacies and had a relatively good time catching up. Not very used to having family dinner with my grandma and uncle though.. they dont usually join us for family dinners. Chatted mostly about my job-my uncle used to be an air steward too. This job seem to always create a stir. Not that there's anything bad but i haven been really in the mood to be very excited over what i have been doing. Read:Highly prone to depression state. I was actually in a pretty good mood but to find out later in the night that it had only been just an illusion, a result of a miscommunication, or rather, not being able to traslate one's idea properly to the next.

I dont really understand why am i always so affected by love, especially once i step into splitville. Once bitten twice shy. I had been bitten timeS, very shy but i still try. I believe in trying, actually no, its more of like hoping that there will be a 'happily ever after' someday. But when? No risk no gain.. but so many risks, still no gain. Time to just stick to being with myself(yes splitville's population right now:Me, Myself and I.) I think it has got to do with my brain's function. It had been programmed to tell myself that i should allow myself to grief. I should cry, make a whole big fuss so that i will be stronger. Its so wrong, isnt it? But since my brain is already programmed in such a way, it is tough but possible to reverse it. But how?

Time check:2.50am. The blond girl beside me just left the pc leaving me all alone, isolated here. Thats one of the last thing i wana feel. But looks like this is gg to carry on for the next few days. Bear with my entries throughout this period of grief. For once i am well again, i may hit the delete button and erased all these entries.. and start my life afresh again!

I have been talking about something i did for him yea? We splitted up after our endless quarrels. Not sure when it started but it just didnt stop until we split up. I know i regreted the moment i actually agree on it. We didnt end because of something ugly like him wearing my undies(lol), it ended more of because of the quarrels, my bad temper, i couldnt really understnd what he has been doing, insecurities blabla. After giving it some thoughts, i thought its just a very small hiccup in the relationship that we can perhaps just try to compromise a little bit here and there to straighten it up. Guess he is not very interested to try anymore. Still can remember his excitment when he wanted to start the relationship so much. oh well.. times have changed. Apologised a few times, and i bought this huge card and wrote lots and lots of things inside. Cant really remember what i wrote but i was kind of dazed when i wrote those. Truly mean it but now that i think its not going to have an effect on him anymore, no point trying to remember them. It only hurts doing so. Went to his house, brought the card over, left it in his room, somewhere visible, along with some other stuffs. It is not like something romantic or very touching. Neither is the idea very original(insipired by qq). But it was my own effort, running all around the town, buying all the stuffs, getting it ready, sending it to his house. I just want to let him know that i mean it and i treasure the relationship. He said he wont be home until friday, which is tomorrow. I am not too sure what will his reaction be but i am more or less too depressed and dejected to think or want to wish for it. Should be actually catching up on my beauty sleep now but my heart doesnt allow me to sleep. U know, the random thoughts just cant stop.

time to go to bed. or rather, try to go to bed. let me have less sleepless nights please?
You've got the poison, I've got the remedy.
@1/27/2006 01:16:00 am