I just touched down yesterday and headed almost immediately to party. I am kind of getting sick-er and sick-er of parties nowadays. Or perhaps its because i am tired? I dont know, just sick of it but i felt the urgent need to go.. as if i depend my life on it so much. I need to drink badly. Get high, be merry, dance.

Thus after napping for a few hours, i changed and put on my 4 inches dancing shoes and headed to phuture. Its nice seeing all the people there again. My mood was pretty good until my itchy legs brought me into zouk members. Miki exclaimed that she saw him and even before i can catch a breath, i tugged her out of members, not even glancing back. I stopped outside, lost. I thought i wanted to see him so much? But now that i know he's there, my limbs froze. I was happy but i was scared. I was actually scared of seeing him. Scared to face him. scared to see him holding another girl in his arms. I dont want to see anything that will break my heart again.

We headed back to phuture and i tried to dance and be merry. I was merry until i saw a familiar figure weaving in through the crowd. It was him. I wanted to go back and sit down but we didnt. He came back to where i was minutes later. Unexpectedly, miki shoved me into him. I was stunned. I didnt know what to do. It wasnt a bad thing that i "bumped" into him but i just didnt know what to do. I was scared that those things that i have been so fearful will actually come true. And it did. We didnt hug, we didnt kiss. we didnt even really say hi. He just asked me for a lighter(which i didnt have) and we each turned away. Stranger seems to be the best word to describe us.

i thought we "got" back?

And den i saw him again. He was talking to another girl, holding her by her waist. I felt so dead but i didnt feel horrible. It just felt so feeling-less. Numb. Was it even meant to be painful? Perhaps the pain was so piercing that i couldnt even sense it. i told myself that I dont like him anymore. It reminded me of the episode the other time. Just that this time i didnt break down. Or was it because it didnt mean anything by holding her by her waist? my guy friends do that to me too. Stop finding excuses for him. gosh.

He broke the last straw when i told him i want to see him after clubbing and he rejected me straight out for a game of poker. Another excuse.

I am tired of trying. I dont want to try anymore. This whole thing is not getting anywhere. If i carry on trying, he is going to disappoint me again on valentines day. And i am just going to feel horrible again. its time to give up. No point anymore. He is just not worth all my energy. I wish it can be as easily said as its done.

But i was glad that miki and calvin were around after clubbing. At least i didnt go home feeling horrible. I felt good binging on to the nasi lemak and having them to chat about other things that took my mind off and realised that those msgs i sent were actually very foolish. gosh. i feel so ashamed that i actually sent them. i sounded like i dont have pride anymore! Gosh.. where is the elaine with all the high self esteem? I cant die because of some idiot.
You've got the poison, I've got the remedy.
@2/11/2006 08:12:00 am