I had a very lazy, aimless tuesday.

Didnt felt like doing anything in particular, just lazed around. Was awoken by the girls' call to ask me to meet for lunch. I was actually the one who initiated the lunch date but i thought it could be dinner instead! But poor ms ong is still studying for her exams, thus i had to scrambled out of my bed after a mere 6 hs of sleep. =X hehe.

Am glad that i started my day early. Had my fav tom yum ban mian, played a game of arcade before taking the long journey to town by BUS! I bought new eye cream and mositurizer! I really cant help it. I need them desperately. Finished my eye cream and mositurizer weeks ago and have been sustaining on a temp mositurizer by kose(which didnt do much) and the old kheils eye cream which is almost empty! Besides getting those, i got myself a new rouge as well!(for work) To top up the amt so that i can get lancome free gifts + perfume! wee! Good deal!!

Since its a lazy tuesday afternoon, i lazed around at coffee bean with my fav tropical passion latte and my da vinci code. Doesnt this sound like a perfect afternoon? Waited for qq n anlin to finish their job search before meeting up. Ms ru didnt even calll. hur hur. I still felt pretty aimless by mid afternoon. The day still felt like something has gone amiss. But whats wrong?

Headed to the gym because i absolutely hate my reflection in the mirror right now. Flabby arms, gigantic thighs, buldging stomach. Disgusted.

Had dinner at Sakae sushi(i am still a loyal sushi tei supporter!!!). After the dinner however, my impression of Sake sushi seemed to improve! hehe. Some of the things are that expensive at sushi tei are so much cheaper here, and their quality of their food has improved! Not bad not bad. =X

Walked over to PS and bought a new white top!! Off shoulder and i love it because as what anlin said, it shows off my tan!!!(though i dont realy have much tan anymore. =X) I love buying new clothes! I just makes my mood become so much better. (i was in a rather grumpy mood on my way to PS)

had a good talk with qq on the bus.. i cant bear to leave her. lol. She tried to preach the pros of saving to me. She really make lotsa sense. Made me feel really motivated! And when we saw liyan, he was even better! Told me so many things that a banking student should know(and yet i dont know or i dont remember. either way i dont know lah. =X) And i am really really so touched with u guys!!!

Money is so impt to me and yet i have none! I have decided to start saving, even if its $1. haha. ok, i will cut down on cabs, cut down on unnecessary splurging, cut down on making unnecessary calls back to sg to quarrel with some idiot, cut down on expensve food.. gosh. So many things to do! But i will try!! Wont make u all feel that u have wasted ur time! hehe. i really want to save!!!!!!

And today is the first whole day i self proclaim that i am back to singlehood! Not splitsville. Sounds lonely and damn sad. Singlehood sounds so much better. It is carefree, problems-lesser, quarrel-less, but also less part of happiness too. no pt holding on to something thats not worth it anymore! Must get myself out of it before i get hurt more! We didnt even contact each other for the whole day. Damn. He didnt even bother to msg me even though he knows that i am back. What kind of boyfriend is this? I need some time alone, to start to think of what i want, the purpose in life, blabla there are so many things for me to think of! Shouldnt occupy my time with all this sheit. Alright, ciao!

Till i see you again.
i am not sure if it's because i have grown tired and too disappointed of the countless nights when i stayed awake to wait for his calls,
or is it because i am dont love him anymore. I dont even have the courage to talk about love. I think i dont love him...right? Its just merely
infactuation.Because i am lonely, i want someone to give me attention. Someone whom i think is fits my criteria. The feeling of having someone who claims that he love you in a special way feels great, isnt it? Am i right to deduce to all these?

In the process of hoping that he will turn out to be my mr right, i realised that i placed my expectations higher and higher. So high that
i know he can never acheive them. He isnt like that right from the start. He already failed to do somethings that he said he will right even at the better times. What can i expect from someone who isnt like this? I also realised
that the infactuation has turned into a what i claim "love". I have allow myself to get hurt and disappointed because of him. I allow myself
to wallow in self pity. Why? Because i need attention? or is it because the more i cant get the attention i want, the more i fight for it to come back someday? Sounds more like fighting to get something that i think i can get than trying to save my relationship.

I realised that he can no longer give me the kind of happiness i expect. Not when i am far apart from him, not even when i was with him.
Its a hollow shell, something that both of us hold on to, for whatever unknown reasons. No point probing why. The reasons are shallow.

I have chose to delete him out of my life. Even without me doing all these,
he isnt exactly in my life either. In name, he's my boyfriend. But what has this boyfriend of mine done for me so far? I dont expect material
reward from my relationship. All i ask for is a little of his love, his care, his concern, his time. If a boyfriend cant even provide me with all these,
what are we?

He's beginning to remind me of my nightmare ex-b****(name shall not be spoken). Its scaring me. The more it scares me, the more i hope and dont want it to turn out to be like
this. But the more i strive to change the facts, the clearer the situation becomes. He's not two timing me. He's just not so into me.(at least thats what i think) I dont like this and i dont want
this to happen. No point hoping. I know that nothing is going to change no matter how much i strive. Unless he choose to change.

I have given him a chance. Us a chance. But instead, he's drifting so much further. He seeks companionship with his friends. I cant even be compared
to his friends. I am tired. Baby, i am tired. I am stepping out of this, quietly, peacefully. I dont what to quarrel with you. I dont want to keep fighting for
your attention. I have tried to be a good girlfriend but i think i failed, once again. i am just not suitable to be someone's girlfriend. Yah, or perhaps i am no longer the one who has attracted you initially. i have grown so dependent, so sticky, so yirky.

The reason why my relationships are all so problematic... ME. i am the root of the problem.

So now i have decided that i am leaving. Goodbye my baby. It takes
two hands to clap. I cant be the only one who wants things to work out by actions while u just sit there and use ur words. If someday u realise that we are meant to be, we will be. I have decided to close up this chapter of my life. I have decided to catch munich alone. I have decided to go for flights alone,
sharing my trips and my experiences to myself, my friends and my blog.

I am sorry. i really cant stay anymore. Till i see you again.
You've got the poison, I've got the remedy.
@3/01/2006 12:48:00 am