i'm jaded.

i am trying so hard to pick myself up from the bits and pieces lying around everywhere. I cant wait to fly off soon. i am an escaper. One whom prefers to live in trance and indudge in things that are not part of reality.

At times when the cold reality comes slapping me like flaps of metal strips, i force myself to wake up. But after i do, my mind would think of means and ways to try to run somewhere and conceal myself in it. That's why i love concealers(though i dont use them as part of my makeup.) Horrible but true.

i dont understand why i cant break myself through, out of this stupid issue. Having been through it so many times, i dont understand why cant i be more used to it and try to get a grip of myself and live through it.

I am so scared. i dont want anymore of these emotional torture. I tried. I really did. Tried means and ways to heal myself, to talk to myself to get over this whole SHIET. But it's not helping. Its NOT HELPING!

i dont understand how did i live past jam? gosh. i can still remember the raw painful feeling i felt when i was in narita. It was alot worse than this. I was all alone in some scarey unfriendly country that i didnt understand a single shiet of what the people there were talking about. it was hell.

Now i am back in hell. Except that this time god is kinder to let me be in the friendly arms of the lovely people around me.

nevermind. I'll wake up tomorrow to find that i will plastic a smile over my face and the new day will start again. Nothing will change. The wound will gradually heal.. and some day i will get myself into another shit and feel hurt all over again. Whats new anyway?

i'm not trying to get any attention here, neither am i trying to wallow in self pity. enough of those. Damn jaded. U know whats one thing that'll help? Let history repeat. And this time i will do better. But u know what? it will NEVER happen. So, carry on and rot.

u know, my friend taught me this and i found it really interesting. It kept on staying in my head.. his was "The best one is the next one." But my version now seems to be, "The Best one is the Next one but i only want a Good one." Something to ponder on for the day.... =)
You've got the poison, I've got the remedy.
@4/02/2006 05:47:00 am