I seem to change so much within this whole one week. I was still very much enjoying myself last week in Singapore. I actually wish i didnt have to leave. But now one week passed, i realise that i actually dread coming back. I have butterflies in my stomach. I feel sick. I couldnt sleep during crew rest because there were so many things in my head. I am exhausted. I yearn for saddness. How can anyone be so sadistic? And of course, once again i binge non stop. i seem to want to eat my way to the sixties. Wait till u guys see the sixties elaine. Whats fucking wrong with me?!

I dread coming back even though i have programmes all well planned. I know what i want to do but somehow, i even dread going wakeboarding. omg. Why?! Life seems to be so aimless. Is this due to my flight or just plainly myself?

This flight to New York had been quite good. Unexpectedly(i swear!), i received a few very gd news. However on the flight back, i felt like shit. I did things half heartedly, and asked myself alot of questions. I feel so shitty about everything. And kept on thinking negatively. Dont make me name them. Somehow i realised that i have become someone that i dont want to be. Its so scarey.

And when i saw the photos just now, it made me realised that i must be the one who had been trying far too hard. I cant be compared to their strong bonding call friends. And i dont have to try to fit in because i will never fit in. Nobody wants me to even fit in! like DUH! Recalling the few incidents when we met, how rude were they? If its my friends, i am sure mine wouldnt behave in such arrogant and rude manner. And why am i here dwelling whether i can fit in ornot? oh man! i dont even need to fit in! Gosh! But somehow, hm.. i feel stupid. i am stupid.

argh. elaine in one of her post flight syndromes. Sigh.

p.s: i dont even feel like meeting him.
You've got the poison, I've got the remedy.
@5/20/2006 06:00:00 pm